


I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [24]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Child Abuse, Christianity, F/M, Religion, Religious Abuse, The dark days before he met Tyler, church, sin - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 17:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11362416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will LoseBefore Attack on the Heart and Fueled by fear, and even before he and Debby meet Tyler, Josh lives at home with his strict Christian family and does everything he possibly can to please them, and yet it's still never enough.





	I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

**Author's Note:**

> Oh hey guys it's 2am and I can't sleep, so I'm writing an abuse fic! I haven't proof read this so there's a high chance of it being a mess
> 
> Little disclaimer - I'm not a Christian and everything I know about the bible etc is from a 7 minute google search, so I apologise for any inaccuracies. And obviously very aware that not all Christians are abusive and religion can in fact be a very beautiful thing. I don't mean to offend anyone. 
> 
> Similarly, I don't mean to upset or trigger anyone, so please don't read if there's something in the tags that is a red flag to you xx

Rex was Mr Walter's Rottweiler and Skye was Mrs Luca's Siberian Husky. Rex was Josh's dog to walk voluntarily and Skye was Debby's dog to walk voluntarily, however they always did the job together and always walked the same route everyday and always throughly enjoyed the exercise and the time together and the knowledge that they were doing good things and were pleasing God.

Rex hated Skye and Josh had to keep the leash tight to stop the smaller but more aggressive animal eating the other, but honestly it made him laugh more than stress.

"Oh did you hear about Naomi?" Debby asked as they walked down the path away from the park and towards the street where both the owners conveniently lived.  
"No? What's this?"  
"Well she agreed to go with Eva to Indianapolis over summer to attend the biblical studies summer camp there."  
"Yeah I knew that," Josh nodded, wrapping the black leash strap around his hand again in retaliation to Rex pulling.  
"So Eva booked it and paid the deposit for both of them, and then she called Naomi yesterday to ask for her half of the deposit."  
"Right,"  
"Guess what, suddenly Naomi bails on her, says she's not going anymore."  
"Wait what? Why?"  
"Apparently Naomi met some boy from Riverbank High at a party last week, they slept together and claim to be in love, and they're running off to a water sports camp together instead."  
"Oh wow, I bet her parents are sooo pleased."  
"She's grounded from going out after 8 any night this summer AND they're selling her car and donating the money to church."  
"She should have known better." Josh approved, disappointed in the girl he had believed to be his friend but was clearly not the sort of person he should be associating himself with.

"I don't get why everyone attends these parties, all that happens is trouble and sin."  
"Yeah, I mean I understand fellowship and company, it's in the bible and a part of everyday life, but why do people feel the need to drink alcohol and act so, well, unholy?" Debby sighed.  
"Bad company corrupts good character, 1 Corinthians 15:33." Josh cited.  
"Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness, 2 Timothy 2:19."  
"We shouldn't speak ill of her though, a gossip betrays a confidence-"  
"But a trustworthy person keeps a secret." She finished the proverb for him, then reached across and held his hand, smiling across. "I love us."  
"I love us too, especially the you part." Josh smiled back.

"We've got no secrets between us though, have we J?"  
"Course not angel." They swung hands, fingers interconnecting.  
"So you'd tell me, you know, if your mom was getting super strict with her disciplining again?"  
"Is this about the bruise on my back?"  
"Yeah," she sighed.  
"It was just a one off."  
"It's always just a one off according to you."  
"Well I don't want to confess that I think it's going to be a bad week because if I confirm she needs to discipline me a lot then I'm confirming that I'm going to sin a lot, and that's not who I want to be. I slipped up once and she was there to help me, it's a one time thing and I won't let myself sin again."  
"What did you even do sweetheart?"  
"I dropped and smashed a jam jar and used the Lord's name in vain out of shock."  
"I'm sure He'll forgive you, He's merciful."  
"I begged and prayed and repented for 3 hours, I just hope I did enough."  
"He knows you're a good person Josh, and you're remorseful, He'll forgive you." She reassured him and he sighed, wishing he could believe her that easily. He didn't say anything though, and instead turned up the path to Mr Walter's house. Debby stood back whilst he knocked on the door and waited for the elderly man to open.

"Hi Mr Walter,"  
"Oh hello there Joshua, hey Rex, how was he?"  
"He was very good," Josh smiled, scratching the animal's head for a moment then handing the leash across to the owner.  
"Good boy, good boy," he followed in Josh's footsteps and scratched under the dog's ears. "What do I owe you son?"  
"Mr Walter it's okay, I don't want any money, I do it for you voluntarily."  
"That's what you said yesterday, here, take this, buy yourself some candy." He reached into his pocket and tried to offer across a handful of dollar bills, but Josh shook his head.  
"Honestly sir, it's okay, just doing the Lord's work."  
"God bless you son,"  
"I'll see you tomorrow? Same time again?"  
"My grandkids will be here so I'll send them out with him, take the day off."  
"Are you sure? I don't mind."  
"I'm sure. Thank you for today though son, I'll see you in 2 days time?"  
"Absolutely you will, God be with you Mr Walter."  
"Goodbye," Mr Walter shut the door and Josh turned away, walking back towards where Debby had been waiting, however she wasn't there anymore.

Josh looked up the street and saw that his girlfriend had taken advantage of the free moment and had gone to return Skye across the road. He wandered slowly towards her then waited with a smile as she gave the dog back then walked down the path and held his hand again as they headed towards where they lived.

"Did Mr Walter try to give you money again?"  
"Yep, did Mrs Luca try to give you butterscotch hard candy again?"  
"And succeeded." She laughed as she untwisted a wrapper and popped one in her mouth.

"It's my turn to run the kids church group tomorrow,"  
"Oh yeah?" He pretended not to know. "What topic are you going for?"  
"Hope."  
"Ooh okay, lemme guess which proverbs you're gonna use."  
"Go on," Debby smiled.  
"Romans 12:12,"  
"Yeh,"  
"Psalm 39:7,"  
"Uh huh," she nodded and she sucked on her candy.  
"1 Corinthians 13:13."  
"I thought about it but didn't in the end."  
"Right, hmm, Romans 8:24?"  
"And 25."  
"Urmm, what else, hmm,"  
"I'm gonna finish with Psalm 43:5."  
"Oh that's a nice note to end on." Josh told her honestly, feeling a swell of pride in his chest. "Can I come and watch?"  
"I'd love that baby,"  
"Well I'll be there then."

"Josh,"  
"Yeah?"  
"If your mom, you know, if she hits you again tonight, will you come round and see me? Let me look after you?"  
"Debby, princess, please stop worrying about me. I'm fine."  
"But she shouldn't be doing this to you, it's not fine."  
"She's helping."  
"That's what she says she's doing, but how does beating you black and blue help you?"  
"That's a little dramatic sweetheart." Josh laughed but Debby didn't. "Look, I know you don't want to admit it Debs, but I sin sometimes. My mom graciously helps me realise that and repent, and I'm thankful that she does that for me."  
"I just wish you wouldn't get so bruised in the process." She said to the floor. Josh sighed, stopping walking because they had arrived to the part of the street where they lived opposite each other.

"Just stay safe tonight?"  
"I will." Josh nodded, holding both her hands and letting his eyes roam her perfect features.  
"I love you Josh."  
"I love you too."  
"I'll call you later." She said, reaching up and quickly pecking him on the lips, then squeezing his hands before letting go.  
"Bye love,"  
"Bye,"

Josh watched her to make sure she got to her house safely, then walked down the path to his own. He knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer. Unlike all of his friends, he didn't have a key to his house, but he knew it was for the best. His parents told him that it meant he could only leave the house during respectable hours and with permission, and therefore he was less likely to sin.

"You're late." Dad opened the door and he stepped inside.  
"I'm sorry sir,"  
"And did I catch you kissing Debby in the street for everyone to see?"  
"I'm sorry sir,"  
"If you want to be intimate without sin then you have to commit yourself to her. Propose."  
"Dad we're only 16." Josh said as they walked into the kitchen where Mom was sat.  
"Is this the engagement again?" She asked.  
"Yes Mother,"  
"I was 17 when your father proposed."  
"Well maybe I'll consider it for her birthday then, but we've still got a couple of months." Josh said, not truly considering it. It wasn't that he didn't love her, he just didn't feel the need to rush through life.

"Ring by spring, it's a saying for a reason."  
"Spring of senior year in college Mom, not sophomore year of high school."  
"Don't talk back to your mother Joshua." Dad snapped.  
"Sorry Mother."  
"Forgiven." She said but the scowl on her face said otherwise. Josh knew not to say anything else and instead opened the freezer and began looking through the shelves to see what he could make for dinner. He decided on pork chops and pulled them out then begin defrosting.

Whilst he laid them all out on the chopping board, he looked up and saw Mother was logging onto her laptop, and he groaned internally. She rarely used the Internet since there were so many sinful things on there, which in reality meant she didn't have a clue how to use it and insisted Josh tutored her. He tried his best but she would get short tempered and it rarely ended well.

"Pork chops? You did pork on Wednesday." Dad started complaining.  
"Joshua, what on earth is this?!" Mom borderline shrieked before he could reply, and he jogged round to help her with what was in the screen. He started reading the iTunes email receipt for a purchase of a Green Day song on Jordan's account when she grabbed his arm harshly with her nails and dug in tight. "You demon child."  
"I didn't-"  
"DON'T LIE TO ME!" She shouted, scaring Josh. "Devil child!"  
"Ow," he could suppress a cry of pain as she dragged him out of the kitchen and towards the basement, and he knew what was about to happen. Jordan came running down the stair, hearing the noise, but nobody intervened as she angrily opened the door.

"Get down there! NOW!" She screamed and before Josh could start descending the stairs, she shoved his shoulders hard with both her hands and made him stumble a little down the steps. He tried to run down then quicker but somehow she caught up and pushed him again, except this time he couldn't catch himself and he fell from the seventh step down to the hard concrete floor of the basement.

"Stay down." Mom hissed, putting a foot in between his shoulder blades and pushing him down harder with the heel of her shoe. It didn't stop him reaching up to his forehead with his fingers and feeling the warm liquid that seeped from the pulsing wound.  
"M-"  
"Who said you could speak?" Dad kicked him in the ribs and earned a pained hiss.  
"You despicable shameful sinful disgrace."  
"How dare you disrespect us and let down God like this?!"  
"Dad, it was-" Jordan said from the top of the stairs but was cut off.  
"Shut up Jordan! To your room! Now!" Mom yelled at him, foot still deep in Josh's back.  
"But-"  
"Learn your place boy!" Dad spat, storming back up the stairs to deal with him and leaving Josh alone with his face pressed to the concrete, blood trickling into his left eye and pain throbbing from his chest and also his knee, which he had banged during the fall.

"The devil is in you."  
"Mom ple-"  
"Confess your sins."  
"It wasn't me!" Josh told the truth which was a stupid mistake because the pinning foot was removed which could only mean one thing. The cane.

He knew what he had to do, kneel, but the pain from the fall only intensified when he tried to get up. At least with his head off the ground he could inspect the wounds he had already sustained. A stinging scrape down his shin, a throbbing knee, a pulsing rib case and a bleeding head. The last was an issue because there was no way he could hide that from his teachers or more importantly from Debby.

"Not there, there." She pointed with the stick to where she wanted him to kneel in front of the wall cross, then kicked him when he wasn't shuffling fast enough. "Up straight, posture Joshua."  
"Sorry Ma'am." He straightened himself up but resisted the instinct to take a deep breath as he learned that that filling his lungs and sticking out his ribs only accentuated the pain. His mother traced the wooden stick and it wrinkled his shirt before suddenly and harshly whipping his back. It stung but not particularly badly.

"Take it off."  
"My shirt?"  
"Yes your shirt you stupid boy." She caned him again out of frustration, and Josh hurried to pull it over his head. He used the opportunity to mop up some of the blood but his mother exploited that and brought the cane down hard and he dropped the shirt down involuntarily. That one hurt.

"Confess." Mom demanded but he had nothing to confess, so she hit him. "Confess." Again he was silent and again he was punished for it. "Confess." Again. "Confess." Again. "Confess."  
"Mother I can't."  
"Tell the Lord what you did and repent for it." She growled, pressing the splintered wood against his throbbing back threateningly.  
"Mother I won't lie, it's a sin, I won't lie."  
"You're lying now and you're turning you back on God!"  
"I won't sin." Josh shook his head, not even realising he was crying until the tears dropped on the cold grey ground.

"Disobedience is a sin," she cracked the cane hard against his kidneys and he gasped a little. "You're a filthy sinner."  
"I'm not." He whispered to himself more than anyone else.  
"You will obey me."  
"Shit," Josh spat when the wood collided with a bruise from yesterday which he was almost certain lay on top of at least one cracked rib. Yes it had hurt but he knew he'd only made things worse for himself by letting such a sinful word seep from somewhere toxic within him.

Fear filled his throbbing gut because he knew what would happen next and could hear his mother's angry footsteps whilst he squeezed his eyes shut and cried. Suddenly he ripped them open because she had harshly grabbed his nose and he knew her plan, block his nostrils till he had to open his mouth to breathe and then she'd squeeze washing up liquid in his mouth to wash it out.

It was inevitable so he gave up the fight and took the punishment, letting her fill his mouth with the vile green liquid. He gagged but she covered his mouth with her hand roughly and forced him to keep it shut. The chemicals were sloshing and making him sick but he couldn't vomit because she kept her grip tight until Josh swore he was about to pass out. Finally she let go of him and he immediately fell on all fours and threw up. The first retch only brought up green chemicals but the second was bubbly bile and so was the third and the fourth. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand but still only tasted bubbles and sick.

"You WILL NOT cuss in this home." She commanded as picked up the cane once again, then hit him. "Repeat."  
"I will not cuss," he cried.  
"You disgust me."  
"I disgust you."  
"You will not sin."  
"I will not sin,"  
"You will stay here until you learn to accept the Lord into your heart, and you will not eat or drink until you do." The woman who raised him declared, then stormed up the stairs and left him to cry on the concrete with blood running down his face, back covered in fast forming bruises and a pile of vomit in front of him.

 

  
There wasn't a clock in the basement, in fact there wasn't really anything at all, but he guessed he'd been down there roughly 4 hours. A large cross was up on the wall and underneath it was a small coffee table with 2 copies of the bible, a belt complete with buckle, a bottle of washing up liquid, an ornately framed portrait of Jesus, and a cane. The items brought a great deal of pain into his life, yet he was thankful for each and every one of them because they helped him to become a better Christian and a better person.

Josh had selected the blue leather bible to read and was curled up in the corner, the walls made up of the same unforgiving concrete as the floor, but he was used to making do with the conditions. It was a fact he was very ashamed of because he should have learnt by now, he should no better, but he was still a sinner and still needed to be cleansed of the devils within. And as much as he was appreciative of his mother's held, he knew nobody could change him but him.

"...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Josh whispered to himself, reading aloud from the text he hugged close to his chest. It was soothing, comforted him and guarded him from the immense pain he was still enduring. The cut on his head had crusted up and he'd vomited so many times that he could do nothing but dry heave, and a foul taste in his mouth was the only memory of the bubble liquid. As for his back, well, it throbbed constantly and the tears were continuous.

"Josh?" He heard a whisper, so stopped reading and looked up to locate the source. "Josh? Come to the vent." Jordan whispered again and Josh closed his bible then slowly and carefully crawled across to the small grate which ran up to his brother's bedroom two floors above. It was a discovery they had made years ago and had once been the source of games and spying, but took on a much more emotional use recently.

"I'm here,"  
"Josh I bought the song, I'm so sorry, I repented for my sin and I've deleted it now. I'm so sorry you took the punishment for me."  
"I forgive you."  
"Thank you."  
"It's okay." Josh whispered.

"Was it bad?  
"I fell down the stairs which hurt, the rest was no worse than usual."  
"I saw her push you."  
"Jordan don't speak about Mom like that, it was an accident and I forgive her."  
"You're a better Christian than she ever will be."  
"Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching. Proverbs 1:8." Josh recited quietly. "Don't disrespect her, she loves me, she's helping me learn from my mistakes."  
"It wasn't your mistake, it was mine."  
"My sin wasn't the song, it was disobeying her."  
"Oh," he heard Jordan sigh.

"Do you need anything? Some food? A glass of water? Ice?"  
"I'm not allowed." Josh told him, back of his head resting against the wall because his back wasn't able.  
"I can bring some down to you, Mom doesn't have to know."  
"We should stop talking now, you're having sinful thoughts, I'm corrupting you."  
"Josh-"  
"Don't disobey Mom, don't sin, don't go against God Jordan. You should pray now."  
"Okay." Jordan said, then Josh crawled back to his corner and to his bible.

He opened the pages, desperately looking for guidance, but couldn't see the words because the tears had turned to sobs and he couldn't breathe. The bible was abandoned as both his hands raised to hide his face as he wept. This wasn't pain, this was guilt, he was guilty, not only had he sinned but he had set an example for his siblings that it was okay to sin too. He had to be punished.

For a moment he let himself vent the guilt through tears, but soon realised that he was doing nothing to make the situation better. He shakily stood up and timidly walked over to the coffee table then wrapped the leather of the belt around his right hand once. With bated breath, he lifted it up then cracked the buckle hard into his back and bit through his lip as he held back a gasp. He would have to beat the demons out of himself.


End file.
